Skip to main content

022718 Coming Out

Ajax loader
Annotations
0
of
Annotation ID:

Duration:
00:14:33
Project:
Youth Citizenship Narrative Project
Theme:
Coming-Out
Age:
18-25
Race:
White
Ethnicity:
Non-Latino
Gender:
Male
Recording Type:
Field Recording
AUTO_TRINT_open-uri20211202-21802-1mp9zvj.mpga
delete Delete Are you sure?
Speaker 1: Okay. So to start with my story coming out story, um, I was 14 and it was the summer before going into my freshman year of high school. Um, I was pretty much in a situation where I was kind of forced to tell my mom, um, because at that time I was still young and impressionable. Um, I wasn't entirely confident or sure who I was or what I was interested in. And so I know I was lonely and I was wanting to develop some sort of relationship with someone of the same sex to see what that was like. Um, and in doing so, I realized it wasn't like an easy thing. You don't just go find another person that's so forthcoming about their sexual orientation at that age or the same types of curiosities. And so in doing so, I tried to figure out ways that I could meet someone that led me to search through media, social media online. And in doing that, I did find someone I can't remember the person's name, honestly, it's been so long and the memories I don't really care for. So I kind of blank a lot of it out. But, um, and so I start talking to this individual over time and, um, eventually, I mean, it led to, um, phone calls. We exchanged numbers. At the time, I didn't have a cell phone, um, online and gave me one, so I'd use the house phone and, uh, over time, I guess, you know, we had multiple landlines, so. And I actually don't even know how my mom came to about doing this, but, um, one day I was on the phone with this person, and no, the person was from a different state. They were from Washington, if I remember. Um, because that was kind of why it was very uncomfortable. Um, so I was having a conversation with the person, and when I ended the phone call, um, as I normally go outside when I have phone calls at my house because there's a lot of people there, my mom came outside and she said, I want to talk to you. And I was like, kind of surprised because my mom normally doesn't have like a stern, um, voice when she talks to me. She's very laid back and easygoing, and she just said something about her mannerisms felt different. And, um, so we walked down to the like, steps of our house and we sat down and she didn't say anything for a few seconds. And then she looked at me and she said, Um, are you gay? And I remember just being kind of shocked that she asked me. I mean, I kind of knew it was coming. I felt like because we never had a conversation like this, I knew something she was going to, I don't know. And I eventually said I kind of lied. I said no. And she said, Are you sure? And it's like, Yeah, I'm sure. Uh, she said, Oh, I mean, I heard your phone call and didn't sound like It doesn't sound like you are straight. And I said, Oh, well, that's, that's just a friend. And she's like, Oh, but you really like your friend. And I was like, Yeah. She's like, Oh, well, I mean, where's your friend live? And I said, Um, why? And she said, Well, because the phone log shows that there's been a lot of phone calls to Washington, and our phone bill went up because at the time we didn't have any type of like plan for or I don't know and uh, I don't know for whatever reason I said, fine. And I said, Yeah, I think I, um, I think I bisexual. Um, and uh, from there that was kind of the end of the conversation really. Um, she just my mom just said, Okay, well, um, you know, you need to stop talking to this person because, you know, it's expensive on our phone bill. Um, and that was kind of that, And I did stop talking to the person that just shared discomfort of the situation. I stopped talking to that person because I felt. Felt weird. Um, and ever since then, that was, uh, that was kind of it. I mean, we didn't talk about it after that. Um, I'm not sure she ever told my dad. I'm not sure she ever told anyone else. In fact, she's the only family member that I have actually explicitly came out to. Um, I'm sure my sisters both know. I know one of them definitely knows, but I never actually told her, so I'm sure my mom must have said something at some point, but, uh, yeah, I mean, it was a very awkward time, Um, because I feel like ever since then, my. And to this day, I don't talk about it with my mom. It's uncomfortable to me still. Um, I just don't. It's just something that's always been uncomfortable for me. Maybe it's because of how. How it all transgressed. I don't know, but, um. Yeah, um, I don't talk to her about it because it just seems uncomfortable, and I feel like my mom, when she brings it up, I feel like she tries to, I don't know, compensate of some sort. It just always comes off as very inorganic or overcompensating or it just seems just inorganic to me. So, uh, it's kind of, um, it's something that I just don't talk about with her. Um. That's all I really can think about.
Speaker 2: And how was her her reaction to when you finally said, Yeah, I am.
Speaker 1: Uh, I mean, it wasn't. I mean, my mom's not like most moms, but she just collectively, calmly was just like, Oh, okay, well, that's fine. And that was kind of it. And like, it wasn't an overtly excited or overtly whatever. I mean, like I said today, you know, so many years later as I'm, um, like almost 25, um, I'm obviously more of an adult than I was when I came out, but, um, and she realizes that, but, and it just seems odd when she tries to talk about it with me, when she sees a guy and she's like, Oh, look at him or something. It's just something about it. So it's an uncomfortable thing that I try to just divert conversation with her. I just end the conversation or I shut it down before it even happens because it just, um. It's weird. Um, I don't know. She and not sure how much of her mannerisms changed. I feel like, I guess, but that's just personal. I feel like her mannerisms change towards me since then. Not in, like, a bad way, but just in some different way. She kind of, I guess. I don't know, like I said, over expressed interest in that part of my life where before there was no interest. And that's yeah, that's about it in that sense. I can't think of really her her reaction. Then like I said, it was quite, it was quite a long time ago and something that to me wasn't that important. I feel like it really didn't shape my life. I mean, I don't think that I mean, it was just more of an uncomfortable situation. But as for, like altering how I perceived things, um, going forward, like going into high school and everything else, I don't think it really, um, changed much. But I, I do actually remember now that I think about it. I do remember in the sense the first time I actually came out willingly because I did it was kind of caught off guard with my mom and it was oddly, uh, about a year maybe later, um, I think it was the summer from freshman year to sophomore year of high school. Um, ironically, of all places, I don't know what caused this sensation to tell someone, but I hadn't talked about it since that incident or with anyone. Um, maybe it's because I was still figuring it out. But I remember I was actually in Los Angeles, of all places, because I'm not from there, from, you know, the Bay Area. And, um, and for some reason, I just had this, uh, I was at Disneyland with my family and, um, it was towards the end of the night and I was like by the swimming pool. And I just felt this overwhelmingly out of nowhere feeling to just tell someone. And I chose the most random person to, um. Not even really a friend, more of an acquaintance that I had known from kindergarten. Some girl that I had known from kindergarten, um, had her phone number and I had a phone at this point and a cell phone. And I decided to call her and I told her. Just randomly. No, no reason. And I sometimes I think about it and wonder why now, all these years later and interested in these type of things. And I wonder if part of me did it because, um, you know, she wasn't anyone I was close to. So if she had responded negatively, I felt like maybe it wouldn't have, um, hurt me as much if I lost someone to coming out to her because she wasn't really a friend. She was someone I knew for a really long time from kindergarten, and she kind of knew who I was. We kind of talked every once in a while, but, um. So, yeah, I called her and I just told her that I liked guys and she was extremely well, she's kind of cut off because I don't talk. I didn't talk to her often, but she was really supportive of it. And, and actually after that, we became pretty close from that point on to, like, the rest of high school. Um, so it actually was a different type of experience. But um, I, from what I've heard from some of my other friends that have come out, they kind of, it seems like did something similar to that, where they told someone that, you know, that if they rejected them, that wouldn't have been as hard as if they had told someone like a brother or sister or their best friend. So that's kind of interesting thinking back on that. And I kind of actually forgot about it until just now that that was probably the first time. And I think after that it became progressively more easy to come out. Maybe it is because in the sense when I'm willingly chose to come out to someone and with their type of response, I felt that, um, it was easier to just tell people. I mean, I always still had selectively chose who to tell people. And every time I selectively chose to tell certain people, I started telling people who are closer to me. Um, and all their responses were positive to the point where today, I mean, I just don't really care if someone asks me, I just tell them, Um, but it's not something that I've always felt I needed to go out of my way to express to people because I don't feel like it's really a huge critical component of who I am as a person. Um, it's not like I'm going to just say, Hey, yeah, I like men. I mean, sure, of course I do. But as for whether I use that to represent who I am, um, I don't, uh, I don't do that.
Speaker 2: You think it's easier telling your friends more so than your family?
Speaker 1: Uh, yeah, I would have to.
Speaker 2: What do you think it's like, so. So critical and maybe maybe so easy and telling friends rather than your family.
Speaker 1: I think, I don't know. Maybe it's just how my family unit works and how my family is. It just my family is not one to be actually very expressive about our feelings. We're not very communicative in that sense. We don't talk about, I guess, personal things like that. So maybe that's why because that is a personal thing and my grandpa never talks about personal things. My dad was very closed about his feelings about things, and in general, my family never really went out of their ways to express their feelings. And so maybe that's why I told friends, because it just within my family dynamic, it just doesn't work that way. I think the best way I could answer that question.
No supplemental file available for this resource.

Your Browser is not Supported

To use aviary, please update your browser to the latest version

Download Supported Browser

or

I understand the consequences
Go to Homepage

Accessibility icon

Accessibility issues with this page?
Please click here to let us know.

01-21-2025 00:00 - 01-21-2025 23:59